My first invitation to speak publicly was in India and God humbled me before I ever stepped foot on the plane. I disobeyed my Lord. I sinned and it was through this journey God said, “your disobedience is the message you’re going to share.” It wasn’t easy, but I humbled myself and shared my failure with people I’ve never met, in a culture I’m unfamiliar with. 

Before going to India, God put me in a place of solitude as preparation to do something I had never done before. It was a time to focus on him more than anything or anyone else. It was necessary for equipping and stripping me of all dependency on me. The lessons I learned taught me a level of obedience, correction, and belief in God that I have never had in four decades of walking with God. Here’s my story.  

For four months I tried to spend my days the way God instructed. I can’t say my time management was always perfect. I struggled on many days, nevertheless, I strived to remain obedient to God.

One of the chapters in this story began on the morning of February 23 when the Lord woke me up abruptly and gave me the number 432. God was lavishing me with his love even though my sacrifice of time could have looked better. It was the story of Saul and unlike Saul, God was telling me he was pleased. God wasn’t looking for a perfect sacrifice, he was looking for obedience. I Samuel 15:22-24 

It was during this time the Lord began to tell me to do two things. One, cut sugar out of my diet and two, stop watching the Netflix show, Arrow. The show is PG-14, nothing inappropriate, but I got sucked it and night-after-night I started binge-watching it. Evening came around and I relaxed in front of the television. 

After several weeks of ignoring God, I finally cut back on sweets to Friday and Saturday only. The second week in, I had a dream. 

Thursday morning:

SPIRITUAL ADULTERY DREAM

I said to Jacob (my son), “why aren’t you and Emma (his wife) replying to my text?”

Jacob said:

“Stop it or you’ll commit adultery.” “That doesn’t make sense,” I said in my dream. “That doesn’t make sense.” End of dream.

I woke up from my dream and sat straight up in bed. I continued to say the same, “That doesn’t make sense.”

I kept repeating “that doesn’t make sense,” and then it hit me. Jacob was the one who referred the television show to me.

The dream with Jacob meant I had committed spiritual adultery. It was a dream of warning to reveal my heart and bring correction, but I had ignored God’s warning.

What is spiritual adultery: James 4:4 says, “You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God?”

2 Corinthians 11:2-3 says, “For I am jealous for you with the jealousy of God himself. I promised you as a pure bride to one husband—Christ. But I fear that somehow your pure and undivided devotion to Christ will be corrupted, just as Eve was deceived by the cunning ways of the serpent.”

Eve was deceived by a piece of fruit. I was deceived by sweets and a Netflix show. They seem innocent, even sound ridiculous. I don’t have an obesity problem, I wasn’t watching an R rated movie, but the reasoning was irrelevant. God said to remove these things from my life for such a time. They had a hold on me and I didn’t realize they were like an idol in my life. Something I was putting above God.

I repented for my disobedience of eating sweets and watching Arrow and wanted to do nothing but spend the day with the Lord. It was a day devoted to worship, prayer, reading my Bible, listening to sermons on YouTube, and time seeking God for direction for India. 

I had a wonderful day with the Lord and around 8:00 pm, feeling one episode would be okay, I turned Arrow on. A second episode began and because it was a rerun, I rationalized that it was okay to run in the background while I flipped through my phone. The show ended, I turned the television off, read scripture, and went to bed.

FRIDAY MORNING: I was startled awake at 4:59 am and the Lord said in a loving, yet stern voice, “you’re just like Saul.”

There are two people in the Bible you don’t want to be called. Jezebel and Saul.

I couldn’t breathe. The fear of God paralyzed me. I buried my face in my pillow and cried out to God, “I am like Saul. I am just like Saul.” Fear flooded my soul.

All I could think of was what God did to Saul. I repeated over and over, “Don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Don’t forsake me.” 

Like Saul, I wasn’t willing to be obedient and sacrifice my desires, my flesh. I was a slave to my sin.

Like Saul, God was saying, “what is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Obedience is far better than sacrifice.” I Samuel 15:22 

Like Saul, I wanted to be obedient by still keeping some of the “plunder.”

“I’ll only eat dessert on Friday and Saturday.” I revised God’s instructions to meet my needs. “I’ll eat sweets only two days of the week. I’ll watch two episodes of Arrow.” Who am I to revise God’s instructions? 

Like Saul, I did not listen to the voice of the Lord. I disobeyed. 

Like Saul, I made a “sacrifice to the Lord” by spending Thursday appearing holy to the Lord. After waking up from my dream, I spent the day in prayer and worship, but that is not what the Lord asked of me. He asked for obedience and come evening, I did the one thing he told me not to. My worship and praise were not pleasing to the Lord. It would have been had I remained obedient to his word and not watched Arrow.

I spent the day immobilized and unproductive with the fear of God burning in my soul: “Don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Don’t banish me from your presence.” Psalm 51:11 “Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.” Psalm 51:10-12

The thought of living life without the spirit of God was unfathomable. There’s only one place where God’s spirit is absent. Hell.

The enemy was doing everything he could to neutralize my effectiveness for the Lord. When I finally crawled out of bed, ashamed, I felt unredeemable and no longer useful to the Lord.  

I know I am made righteous by believing that Christ died for me. I know I am forgiven, yet I couldn’t move. I was numb. 

The fear of God, the awe of Almighty God, including His righteous judgment, gripped me unlike anything I’d experienced before. The pain in my heart overwhelmed me and it was like a death. I could think of nothing in life that mattered other than the fear and consequences of the Almighty God. 

It was the first time in my life I felt unforgivable. I know that we are all made righteous through Christ, but I listened to Satan, the father of lies. No matter how grave my sins have been in the past, this sin felt the worse of all sins. Satan got me to focus on the demise of Saul and that my demise would be the same. 

 I talked with Rick and Jacob throughout the day. I needed the support of my family to remind me of God’s promises:

• “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

• “Whose sin the Lord does not count against them” Psalm 32:2

• “I can never escape from your Spirit,” praise God.” Psalm 139:7

Thankfully, God doesn’t leave us in our state of despair. When evening came, I was praising the Lord for his grace and the wind of the Holy Spirit reminded me of a few dreams I had recorded on my phone a few weeks back. I have an audio app on my phone to record my dreams. I’ve found it’s the most useful tool for me to remember my dreams.

After a long day of tears and walking in this tangible weight of fearing God, 

I sat on my couch and started listening to the first dream I vaguely remembered. 

The dream started coming back to memory and I sank into my couch. Once again the sorrow of hurting my Lord flooded my soul. Immediately, I knew it had been a warning dream. It stirred up all the emotions I had found peace with after a long day of what I now call my Saul Saga. 

The enemy pounced. He didn’t waste a second to steal the “joy of my salvation.” “If only you would have listened,” he whispered in my ear. 

My lessons and the dreams will be continued in the next post: Spiritual Adultery Dream & Disobedience Part 2. God used these warning dreams to draw me to him, not away. There is nothing we can ever do that is unforgivable and irredeemable. 

Is there a sin you haven’t turned from and repented of? 

Walk in freedom::

• Obey: “If you love me, keep my commands.” John 14:15

• Repent: “Now repent of your sins and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped away.” Acts 3:19

• Forgiven: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

Walk in God’s love. Walking in the reverent fear of God ushers in more of his love. “Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” I John 4:18

Photo by Erik Nielsen on Unsplash